Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Contradictory Rhetoric

As much as I am a proponent of small government and leaving people the hell alone, I must confess: I love Michelle Malkin.

She scares the shit out of people on both sides of the political spectrum, and we could frankly use a little more of that. The strong-minded ones always keep things interesting!

She might be crazy, but I strongly suspect she is one of the few people who is willing to address the problems most people in the media are willing to gloss over. True, she has made many an unpleasant-sounding statement, but that's what happens when you address the elephant in the room. People don't like being reminded that there are two sides to every story, and that is exactly what Miichelle does. She smacks people upside the head with reality, and I can't help but love her for that.

Plus, she's hot. I mean, like, smokin' hot. Seriously.

Having said that: Here's to you, Michelle Malkin!

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Full Circle

Today is Holocaust Memorial Day.

I'm too tired to make my standard Anti-Federalist speech, so I'll just say this: Buy a gun.

Wait, I just got my second wind.

Today we remember the millions of innocent people who were murdered by a maniacal dictator. A maniacal dictator who was elected in a free, democratic election, and was a churchgoing Catholic. A psychotic sack of shit who was able to operate with impunity, because everyone was too gutless to stand up to him.

Tonight, I'm going to do a shot in honor of the fighters of the Warsaw Ghetto, the Vilna Ghetto, the Treblinka Death Camp, and the Sobibor Death Camp. Brave folks, the lot of 'em. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, got to this site, , and learn about real heroes.

I'm also going to do a shot in honor of Israel, because it is an awesome fucking country. By the way, one word about "Israeli Aggression", and I'll punch you right in the fucking throat. If ever there was a group of people that should be allowed to kick ass at random, the Jews are them. As far as I'm concerned, they have earned the right to be a bunch of bad motherfuckers. By the toll of over six million dead, they have earned it. Trust me.

As the incomparable Dylan Thomas wrote: "Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

I have many shots to do.


Sunday, November 23, 2008

Beer Hat Hootenanny

What up, ya'll? Yeah, you heard me!

So Obama is our new president.

All things considered, I'm still pretty happy. He is far from being an ideal candidate, but I cannot stress enough how glad I am that Hillary "She-Beast" Clinton is not our leader-to-be. Seriously. If that bitch was going to take control, I would have an aneurysm and shit myself (quite possibly simeultaneously). So, straight up, halle-fucking-lujah. No joke, people.

That said, he still worries me.

And before you send yourself into a pantiwadulous shit fit: no, it is not because he is black. Frankly, I'm kind of glad that for the first time since this country's inception, the part of The President will not be played by "Some White Guy". It's nice to show the rest of the world that, on the rarest of occasions, we actually practice what we preach. We said all men were equal, and we stuck to those words, by fuck. Doctor King would shit a squirrel if he were alive today.

But, like I said, I have a problem.

Black president? Neato!

Socialist president? Oooooo...gonna have to Yeah, no thank you. Not my glass of vodka, as some would say.

True, he's not among the most gun-hatingest Democrats, and therefore does not raise my hackles in that department. For once, a Democrat has me worried about economic policies! Go figure, right? I never would have seen that one coming; but, here we are.

Economics! Shit in a bag. Country's on the verge of going into a full-on fucking tailspin, and this dude's talking about creating new jobs!

Mm. Okay. Quick question. How?! Companies are hemorrhaging money left and right, then shutting down completely. We're in a damn recession. Where in the hell are these new jobs going to come from? Seriously, where? Our soon-to-be president was unmercifully vague on that point. I mean, unless his plan to create more jobs revolves around picking a fight with Russia and reinstating the draft. You know: Working for the military is technically a job, and if you're employed and you get drafted, someone else gets your job. So in theory, going to all-out war would create milions of jobs! Hooray for our side! Everybody wins!

(By the way, if that actually happens, someone totally owes me a beer. Seriously.)

Honestly, though, what the fuck is going on with our economy? "We are not in a recession."

My ass! Fuckin'...oh, wow. Yowza. I think I'm having a damn aneurysm.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Friday, November 07, 2008

I'll tell you what it is.

It's some kind of a diabeetus bitchslap, that's what it is! Sweet jiggly bitch-tits, Batman! Anchors away! And then I found ten dollars. Cataract, cataphract. Your mom, says I. Tallywhacker thump stick, Ogalala thrill ride. Spuchemmin. And thusly, we have durf. DURF! Said the blind man to the dead the library. Testicles!

That is all.

You may go now.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

And now back to talking about me!

Ok. So you're actually suicidal enough to want to know more about me? Very well.

Here we go. 60 things about me that you didn't know.

(Editor's Note: this took nearly a year and a half to complete; it is only just now being published.)

1. I'm a whore for good Mexican food and greasy burgers

2. My dream car is a 1973 Chevy El Camino, metallic blue, with a 454 under the hood. 'Nuff said.

3. I'm semi-fluent in Spanish and know sign language. I speak some Arabic, and am currently learning German, Vietnamese, and Siksika(the Blackfoot language).

4. I have never been truly in love. Deep affection or/or attraction, but never love. I think.

5. I have never done any drugs, but I did once imbibe an unpleasantly large quantity of Absinthe, due to the fact that I did not know what it was at the time. I have since educated myself on the subject.

6. I love the smell of freshly oiled leather.

7. Bach's Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor is one of the few musical pieces that can place me in a near catatonic state. It starts playing and I lock in like a missile. Sucks when I'm driving. I've loved this song since before I could talk.

8. I have the worst sense of balance in the world. I cannot skateboard, rollerblade, rollerskate, surf, snowboard, ski (water or snow), and log rolling is just plain out of the question.

9. I like to dress in a very intimidating manner when going to my classes; then, when I leave to go to my car, I get in, roll the windows down, wink at the nearest group of fetching young ladies, then peal out of the parking lot blasting "I Feel Pretty" from my stereo. Their shocked expressions are absolutely priceless.

10. I have a great fondness for firearms, particularly older ones. The only weapons I have ever been willing to buy are either antique, surplus, or new reproductions. The bigger and shinier they are, the less likely I am to buy them.

11. I love working with animals, especially horses. They have a gentility and grace that I find soothing. Plus, if a horse gets pissed off at you, you usually deserve it.

12. I get hit on by more men than women. Why this is, I'm not quite sure, exactly. But it has definitely deterred me from frequenting bars all that often.

13. I can play the trombone, the bodhran, the jaw harp, the spoons, the washboard, and, of course, the jug, and as of a few months ago, the digeridoo.

14. My family more or less considers me to be the walking reincarnation of my Great-Grandfather.

15. I specifically act like an idiot so that most people won't find me threatening. Whenever I don't, I tend to scare the shit out of people.

16. I tend to drive myself crazy because I'm a homebody with a serious case of wanderlust. Confused? Join the club.

17. The Disney version of Sleeping Beauty is one of my favorite movies of all time.

18. Before I get too much older, I want to go on a vision quest. Not a "smoke a shitload of peyote and weed and see what happens" sort of thing. A search for oneself out in the wilderness, hitting rock bottom, so that one's true purpose might be revealed. This is a true vision quest.

19. When I listen to music, it has to match my mood. I can't listen to Bowling For Soup or Grandpa Jones or Cass Elliot when I'm pissed or sad. Nor can I listen to Korn, Wagner, or Linkin Park when I'm in a cheery mood. The blues, however, is neutral.

20. I look damn good in a kilt.

21. I do not look good in a baseball cap. As a point of fact, they make me look like I'm about twelve years old.

22. I have been called both a tease and a flirt. By both sexes, no less.

23. I'm incapable of calling someone my "best friend". Every time I have ever tried, the other person hasn't reciprocated.

24. I love the smell of wet earth during the first rain of the season. I find it euphoric.

25. I am the kind of guy that is largely overlooked by women in my age group now, but will be exactly what they're all looking for in ten years. Naturally, I'm just thrilled about this prospect. In ten years, I can have my pick of women who are certified, pre-fucked. Joy.

26. I don't really play sports, because I'm not very competitive. Well, not exactly. Unless it's a matter of life and death, I'm not very competitive. If it's not worth punching somebody in the throat over, I really don't see what the point is in getting all worked up.

27. I practice both knife and tomahawk throwing. Not competitively, just for shits and giggles.

28. I love scented candles. 'Nuff said.

29. I prefer women with curves, but the last three women I've had real feelings for have been small enough for me to use as a weapon. Go figure.

30. I have deliberately farted on a sleeping cat. I wasn't even that bored.

31. In spite of that last tidbit, I love cats.

32. I also love dogs.

33. But not as much as I love seafood fettuccine alfredo.

34. In high school, I hated System of a Down's Steal This Album!, because it dared to question the Bush regime. It is now one of my favorite albums. Especially when I've just completed a rant.

35. When I graduated high school, I was a full-blown soldier of the Republican party. After several years of learning things on my own, without the aid of television, I am more and more becoming a staunch Libertarian.

36. I have never been high. As far as I know, anyways.

37. I rather preferred Jessica Alba as a brunette. The first time I saw her was on Dark Angel, and that was the look that enchanted me. Mexican chicks do not look good as blondes.

38. However, some black women do; depending, of course, on both shade of blonde and skin tone. Example: Eve. I would do all kinds of cheeky things with that woman!

39. I like some white chicks, but if they're super pale, it's a real turn off.

40. I have never been arrested. Couple close calls, though!

41. I hate wearing boxers.

42. I believe quite strongly in Personology. If you don't know what that is, take the time to educate yourself on the matter.

43. I am an extremely easy-going person. But when I get pissed off, there's no middle ground. Instead of going from 0 to 60, I go from 0 to about 150. To put it delicately, I have rage issues.

44. I have only been in two actual fights in my life. One when I was in Kindergarten, and the other a little over 2 years ago. I won both of them.

45. I have had bullets fly past my head more times than I can count. Almost all of them were completely unintentional, i.e. the person didn't see me, or I accidentally wandered onto a shooting range. But once, just once, the bullet was oh-so-very deliberate. Don't ask.

46. I'm a Leo-Virgo Cusp kid, born in the Week of Exposure. Again, Personology.

47. I learned Spanish for real at my first job, which was an orchard worker. Basically, it was me and 7 Mexican nationals. My Spanish got real good real fast. Ay, raza.

48. Hard as I try, I am just never going to be a "poetry person". I am oddly okay with this.

49. My favorite physical feature on myself would have to be my hands. They are rough and covered with scars, yet still strangely delicate. They're beat to shit, but I'm proud of the fact that they got that way from working hard. I love working with my hands, using them to build and create things.

50. There is a significant possibility that I am Bipolar. There is also a significant possibility that I am not Bipolar, I just developed behavioral norms from watching my Mom, who is Bipolar.

51. I occasionally get visions of the future in my sleep, but they are never of anything useful. For example: me sitting in a Denny's at 2 in the morning, arguing with Frostbyte as to whether or not an avocado has a skin or a rind. See? Useless. My sister, however, gets full-on visions and premonitions. Rights of the firstborn, I suppose.

52. Though my visions are completely useless, I do get what I call "vibes". In essence, I can feel when something bad is about to happen. The day my buddy wrecked out on his motorcycle, I had had stomach cramps all that morning. And I don't get stomach cramps. My gut's like an iron cauldron: it does not get upset easily. One day my senior year, I found myself abruptly short of breath, like I had just been punched in the solar plexus. Found out a couple weeks later that at approximately the same time as I had found myself short of breath, on the other side of the world my cousin's humvee had been hit with mortar fire in Iraq. He survived, by the way.

53. I am extremely shy in person. That is, until you get to know me. Then all hell breaks loose.

54. I have never been in a three-way. Did get an offer once, but it was not a pleasant one. Naturally, I declined.

55. If anyone ever tried to harm someone I truly care about, I would end said aggressor without any hesitation. No joke.

56. I have an almost comically high pain threshhold.

57. I will resist even when there is no chance of victory.

58. I do my best work when I'm strapped for time and out of options.

59. I have never blacked out while drunk. I remember every unpleasant detail.

60. I am not afraid of death. It's what follows that causes me to be concerned.

Ah, the resplendent madness of it all...

At times, I must admit that I feel lonely and useless.

My friends are scattered to the winds.

Frostbyte has finally gone off to finish his bachelor's degree, while I have not.

Flaco Mexicano has a wife and two kids, whilst I remain the dateless wonder.

Dirty Viking has a fiance and a good job that lets him be around planes(which makes him happy), and I'm working the same shit dead-end job I've been working and am, as I stated previously, cold and alone.

And of course, Poquito Rojo is out causing for real the mayhem I can only cause in theory.

This may seem like the whiny ramblings of some fucking moron, but in point of fact, it is these things that keep me pressing onward. With friends who accomplish great things, I am forced to somehow keep up the fight, because failure is not an option for me. No matter how shitty the situation may be, I just can't bring myself to tap out. Granted, you may very well hear me saying "Fuck my life." with great regularity, but those are the moments that force me to keep fighting. They are the reason I don't drink very often, and why I will never touch narcotics, and why I will never settle for good enough. These are all ways of copping out, ways to escape reality and pretend that your life doesn't suck.

Me? I see to it that I am always painfully aware of exactly how lame my current standard of living is. In doing so, I create for myself only two paths: I can call it quits, find some shite career, and fall back into the tepid embrace of mediocrity. Or I can forge ahead, and fight to the last breath. Whether I succeed beyond my wildest dreams, or fail in entirety, I will always be able to say that I tried. Win or lose, I tried. I know far too many people that gave up their dreams in exchange for health benefits and casual fridays. I will not be one of them.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing, but I'll be damned if I'm going to stop now!

I am Crazy Bastard, and nothing will ever change that.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Check this shit out. So fully beyond kickass!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Trainwreck, thy name is Crazy Bastard.

Okay, let's be honest: I update sporadically at best.

Between work, school, and life in general, I don't have a whole lot of time. And even when I do have time, I don't have the energy to fuel an online rant. The anger and frustration is there, but the coherence is not. And no, the preceding post has nothing to do with that. Prior to that post, I had not been drunk since that January(New Year's Eve, to be specific). I'm just completely exhausted, most days.

What's more, I rarely, if ever, watch the morning or evening news. Seeing as that my best rantings were political, and had nothing to do with my own piddly-ass problems, a lack of up-to-date news stories has somewhat dampened my fervor. Though there is very little left to be said that I haven't already typed.

Long story short, if something truly catches my attention it will appear here, rest assured.

However, here are the presidential candidates I would prefer won:

Republicans: John McCain
Democrats: Barack Obama
Long Shot: Ron Paul

All the rest piss me off to no end.

So there you have it. I bid you all farewell, and hope to be back soon.

And to Dirty Viking and Poquito Rojo: Keep the faith, and hail the victorious dead!

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!