flaming asshattery

Contradictory Rhetoric

2009-02-04T14:09:00.000-08:00

As much as I am a proponent of small government and leaving people the hell alone, I must confess: I love Michelle Malkin.

She scares the shit out of people on both sides of the political spectrum, and we could frankly use a little more of that. The strong-minded ones always keep things interesting!

She might be crazy, but I strongly suspect she is one of the few people who is willing to address the problems most people in the media are willing to gloss over. True, she has made many an unpleasant-sounding statement, but that's what happens when you address the elephant in the room. People don't like being reminded that there are two sides to every story, and that is exactly what Miichelle does. She smacks people upside the head with reality, and I can't help but love her for that.

Plus, she's hot. I mean, like, smokin' hot. Seriously.

Having said that: Here's to you, Michelle Malkin!

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Full Circle

2009-01-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

Today is Holocaust Memorial Day.

I'm too tired to make my standard Anti-Federalist speech, so I'll just say this: Buy a gun.

Wait, I just got my second wind.

Today we remember the millions of innocent people who were murdered by a maniacal dictator. A maniacal dictator who was elected in a free, democratic election, and was a churchgoing Catholic. A psychotic sack of shit who was able to operate with impunity, because everyone was too gutless to stand up to him.

Tonight, I'm going to do a shot in honor of the fighters of the Warsaw Ghetto, the Vilna Ghetto, the Treblinka Death Camp, and the Sobibor Death Camp. Brave folks, the lot of 'em. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, got to this site, http://www.a-human-right.com/jewsfight.html , and learn about real heroes.

I'm also going to do a shot in honor of Israel, because it is an awesome fucking country. By the way, one word about "Israeli Aggression", and I'll punch you right in the fucking throat. If ever there was a group of people that should be allowed to kick ass at random, the Jews are them. As far as I'm concerned, they have earned the right to be a bunch of bad motherfuckers. By the toll of over six million dead, they have earned it. Trust me.

As the incomparable Dylan Thomas wrote: "Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

I have many shots to do.

Shalom.

Beer Hat Hootenanny

2008-11-23T00:44:00.000-08:00

What up, ya'll? Yeah, you heard me!

So Obama is our new president.

All things considered, I'm still pretty happy. He is far from being an ideal candidate, but I cannot stress enough how glad I am that Hillary "She-Beast" Clinton is not our leader-to-be. Seriously. If that bitch was going to take control, I would have an aneurysm and shit myself (quite possibly simeultaneously). So, straight up, halle-fucking-lujah. No joke, people.

That said, he still worries me.

And before you send yourself into a pantiwadulous shit fit: no, it is not because he is black. Frankly, I'm kind of glad that for the first time since this country's inception, the part of The President will not be played by "Some White Guy". It's nice to show the rest of the world that, on the rarest of occasions, we actually practice what we preach. We said all men were equal, and we stuck to those words, by fuck. Doctor King would shit a squirrel if he were alive today.

But, like I said, I have a problem.

Black president? Neato!

Socialist president? Oooooo...gonna have to say...no. Yeah, no thank you. Not my glass of vodka, as some would say.

True, he's not among the most gun-hatingest Democrats, and therefore does not raise my hackles in that department. For once, a Democrat has me worried about economic policies! Go figure, right? I never would have seen that one coming; but, here we are.

Economics! Shit in a bag. Country's on the verge of going into a full-on fucking tailspin, and this dude's talking about creating new jobs!

Mm. Okay. Quick question. How?! Companies are hemorrhaging money left and right, then shutting down completely. We're in a damn recession. Where in the hell are these new jobs going to come from? Seriously, where? Our soon-to-be president was unmercifully vague on that point. I mean, unless his plan to create more jobs revolves around picking a fight with Russia and reinstating the draft. You know: Working for the military is technically a job, and if you're employed and you get drafted, someone else gets your job. So in theory, going to all-out war would create milions of jobs! Hooray for our side! Everybody wins!

(By the way, if that actually happens, someone totally owes me a beer. Seriously.)

Honestly, though, what the fuck is going on with our economy? "We are not in a recession."

My ass! Fuckin'...oh, wow. Yowza. I think I'm having a damn aneurysm.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

I'll tell you what it is.

2008-11-07T22:48:00.000-08:00

It's some kind of a diabeetus bitchslap, that's what it is! Sweet jiggly bitch-tits, Batman! Anchors away! And then I found ten dollars. Cataract, cataphract. Your mom, says I. Tallywhacker thump stick, Ogalala thrill ride. Spuchemmin. And thusly, we have durf. DURF! Said the blind man to the dead monkey...in the library. Testicles!

That is all.

You may go now.

And now back to talking about me!

2008-04-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

Ok. So you're actually suicidal enough to want to know more about me? Very well.

Here we go. 60 things about me that you didn't know.

(Editor's Note: this took nearly a year and a half to complete; it is only just now being published.)

1. I'm a whore for good Mexican food and greasy burgers

2. My dream car is a 1973 Chevy El Camino, metallic blue, with a 454 under the hood. 'Nuff said.

3. I'm semi-fluent in Spanish and know sign language. I speak some Arabic, and am currently learning German, Vietnamese, and Siksika(the Blackfoot language).

4. I have never been truly in love. Deep affection or/or attraction, but never love. I think.

5. I have never done any drugs, but I did once imbibe an unpleasantly large quantity of Absinthe, due to the fact that I did not know what it was at the time. I have since educated myself on the subject.

6. I love the smell of freshly oiled leather.

7. Bach's Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor is one of the few musical pieces that can place me in a near catatonic state. It starts playing and I lock in like a missile. Sucks when I'm driving. I've loved this song since before I could talk.

8. I have the worst sense of balance in the world. I cannot skateboard, rollerblade, rollerskate, surf, snowboard, ski (water or snow), and log rolling is just plain out of the question.

9. I like to dress in a very intimidating manner when going to my classes; then, when I leave to go to my car, I get in, roll the windows down, wink at the nearest group of fetching young ladies, then peal out of the parking lot blasting "I Feel Pretty" from my stereo. Their shocked expressions are absolutely priceless.

10. I have a great fondness for firearms, particularly older ones. The only weapons I have ever been willing to buy are either antique, surplus, or new reproductions. The bigger and shinier they are, the less likely I am to buy them.

11. I love working with animals, especially horses. They have a gentility and grace that I find soothing. Plus, if a horse gets pissed off at you, you usually deserve it.

12. I get hit on by more men than women. Why this is, I'm not quite sure, exactly. But it has definitely deterred me from frequenting bars all that often.

13. I can play the trombone, the bodhran, the jaw harp, the spoons, the washboard, and, of course, the jug, and as of a few months ago, the digeridoo.

14. My family more or less considers me to be the walking reincarnation of my Great-Grandfather.

15. I specifically act like an idiot so that most people won't find me threatening. Whenever I don't, I tend to scare the shit out of people.

16. I tend to drive myself crazy because I'm a homebody with a serious case of wanderlust. Confused? Join the club.

17. The Disney version of Sleeping Beauty is one of my favorite movies of all time.

18. Before I get too much older, I want to go on a vision quest. Not a "smoke a shitload of peyote and weed and see what happens" sort of thing. A search for oneself out in the wilderness, hitting rock bottom, so that one's true purpose might be revealed. This is a true vision quest.

19. When I listen to music, it has to match my mood. I can't listen to Bowling For Soup or Grandpa Jones or Cass Elliot when I'm pissed or sad. Nor can I listen to Korn, Wagner, or Linkin Park when I'm in a cheery mood. The blues, however, is neutral.

20. I look damn good in a kilt.

21. I do not look good in a baseball cap. As a point of fact, they make me look like I'm about twelve years old.

22. I have been called both a tease and a flirt. By both sexes, no less.

23. I'm incapable of calling someone my "best friend". Every time I have ever tried, the other person hasn't reciprocated.

24. I love the smell of wet earth during the first rain of the season. I find it euphoric.

25. I am the kind of guy that is largely overlooked by women in my age group now, but will be exactly what they're all looking for in ten years. Naturally, I'm just thrilled about this prospect. In ten years, I can have my pick of women who are certified, pre-fucked. Joy.

26. I don't really play sports, because I'm not very competitive. Well, not exactly. Unless it's a matter of life and death, I'm not very competitive. If it's not worth punching somebody in the throat over, I really don't see what the point is in getting all worked up.

27. I practice both knife and tomahawk throwing. Not competitively, just for shits and giggles.

28. I love scented candles. 'Nuff said.

29. I prefer women with curves, but the last three women I've had real feelings for have been small enough for me to use as a weapon. Go figure.

30. I have deliberately farted on a sleeping cat. I wasn't even that bored.

31. In spite of that last tidbit, I love cats.

32. I also love dogs.

33. But not as much as I love seafood fettuccine alfredo.

34. In high school, I hated System of a Down's Steal This Album!, because it dared to question the Bush regime. It is now one of my favorite albums. Especially when I've just completed a rant.

35. When I graduated high school, I was a full-blown soldier of the Republican party. After several years of learning things on my own, without the aid of television, I am more and more becoming a staunch Libertarian.

36. I have never been high. As far as I know, anyways.

37. I rather preferred Jessica Alba as a brunette. The first time I saw her was on Dark Angel, and that was the look that enchanted me. Mexican chicks do not look good as blondes.

38. However, some black women do; depending, of course, on both shade of blonde and skin tone. Example: Eve. I would do all kinds of cheeky things with that woman!

39. I like some white chicks, but if they're super pale, it's a real turn off.

40. I have never been arrested. Couple close calls, though!

41. I hate wearing boxers.

42. I believe quite strongly in Personology. If you don't know what that is, take the time to educate yourself on the matter.

43. I am an extremely easy-going person. But when I get pissed off, there's no middle ground. Instead of going from 0 to 60, I go from 0 to about 150. To put it delicately, I have rage issues.

44. I have only been in two actual fights in my life. One when I was in Kindergarten, and the other a little over 2 years ago. I won both of them.

45. I have had bullets fly past my head more times than I can count. Almost all of them were completely unintentional, i.e. the person didn't see me, or I accidentally wandered onto a shooting range. But once, just once, the bullet was oh-so-very deliberate. Don't ask.

46. I'm a Leo-Virgo Cusp kid, born in the Week of Exposure. Again, Personology.

47. I learned Spanish for real at my first job, which was an orchard worker. Basically, it was me and 7 Mexican nationals. My Spanish got real good real fast. Ay, raza.

48. Hard as I try, I am just never going to be a "poetry person". I am oddly okay with this.

49. My favorite physical feature on myself would have to be my hands. They are rough and covered with scars, yet still strangely delicate. They're beat to shit, but I'm proud of the fact that they got that way from working hard. I love working with my hands, using them to build and create things.

50. There is a significant possibility that I am Bipolar. There is also a significant possibility that I am not Bipolar, I just developed behavioral norms from watching my Mom, who is Bipolar.

51. I occasionally get visions of the future in my sleep, but they are never of anything useful. For example: me sitting in a Denny's at 2 in the morning, arguing with Frostbyte as to whether or not an avocado has a skin or a rind. See? Useless. My sister, however, gets full-on visions and premonitions. Rights of the firstborn, I suppose.

52. Though my visions are completely useless, I do get what I call "vibes". In essence, I can feel when something bad is about to happen. The day my buddy wrecked out on his motorcycle, I had had stomach cramps all that morning. And I don't get stomach cramps. My gut's like an iron cauldron: it does not get upset easily. One day my senior year, I found myself abruptly short of breath, like I had just been punched in the solar plexus. Found out a couple weeks later that at approximately the same time as I had found myself short of breath, on the other side of the world my cousin's humvee had been hit with mortar fire in Iraq. He survived, by the way.

53. I am extremely shy in person. That is, until you get to know me. Then all hell breaks loose.

54. I have never been in a three-way. Did get an offer once, but it was not a pleasant one. Naturally, I declined.

55. If anyone ever tried to harm someone I truly care about, I would end said aggressor without any hesitation. No joke.

56. I have an almost comically high pain threshhold.

57. I will resist even when there is no chance of victory.

58. I do my best work when I'm strapped for time and out of options.

59. I have never blacked out while drunk. I remember every unpleasant detail.

60. I am not afraid of death. It's what follows that causes me to be concerned.

Ah, the resplendent madness of it all...

2008-04-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

At times, I must admit that I feel lonely and useless.

My friends are scattered to the winds.

Frostbyte has finally gone off to finish his bachelor's degree, while I have not.

Flaco Mexicano has a wife and two kids, whilst I remain the dateless wonder.

Dirty Viking has a fiance and a good job that lets him be around planes(which makes him happy), and I'm working the same shit dead-end job I've been working and am, as I stated previously, cold and alone.

And of course, Poquito Rojo is out causing for real the mayhem I can only cause in theory.

This may seem like the whiny ramblings of some fucking moron, but in point of fact, it is these things that keep me pressing onward. With friends who accomplish great things, I am forced to somehow keep up the fight, because failure is not an option for me. No matter how shitty the situation may be, I just can't bring myself to tap out. Granted, you may very well hear me saying "Fuck my life." with great regularity, but those are the moments that force me to keep fighting. They are the reason I don't drink very often, and why I will never touch narcotics, and why I will never settle for good enough. These are all ways of copping out, ways to escape reality and pretend that your life doesn't suck.

Me? I see to it that I am always painfully aware of exactly how lame my current standard of living is. In doing so, I create for myself only two paths: I can call it quits, find some shite career, and fall back into the tepid embrace of mediocrity. Or I can forge ahead, and fight to the last breath. Whether I succeed beyond my wildest dreams, or fail in entirety, I will always be able to say that I tried. Win or lose, I tried. I know far too many people that gave up their dreams in exchange for health benefits and casual fridays. I will not be one of them.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing, but I'll be damned if I'm going to stop now!

I am Crazy Bastard, and nothing will ever change that.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Check this shit out. So fully beyond kickass!

2008-04-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

CRUSADER RABBIT: Bayonet Brits kill 35 rebels

Trainwreck, thy name is Crazy Bastard.

2008-01-29T16:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, let's be honest: I update sporadically at best.

Between work, school, and life in general, I don't have a whole lot of time. And even when I do have time, I don't have the energy to fuel an online rant. The anger and frustration is there, but the coherence is not. And no, the preceding post has nothing to do with that. Prior to that post, I had not been drunk since that January(New Year's Eve, to be specific). I'm just completely exhausted, most days.

What's more, I rarely, if ever, watch the morning or evening news. Seeing as that my best rantings were political, and had nothing to do with my own piddly-ass problems, a lack of up-to-date news stories has somewhat dampened my fervor. Though there is very little left to be said that I haven't already typed.

Long story short, if something truly catches my attention it will appear here, rest assured.

However, here are the presidential candidates I would prefer won:

Republicans: John McCain
Democrats: Barack Obama
Long Shot: Ron Paul

All the rest piss me off to no end.

So there you have it. I bid you all farewell, and hope to be back soon.

And to Dirty Viking and Poquito Rojo: Keep the faith, and hail the victorious dead!

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Alchohol es muy bien.

2007-11-11T00:55:00.000-08:00

I am drunk. I am okay with this. Haven't updated in like six months. My bad. When sober, must continue the bloggery. Tally forth and what ho.

Balls.

Time to catch up.

2007-06-23T12:51:00.000-07:00

Oh, where to begin?

I got promoted at work, although my pay has not been raised to match my new position, much to my resounding displeasure.

My friend Blondie Dreads is looking at the possibility of jail time; that's not a story I'm telling, but the situation is a point of interest, nonetheless.

Feisty Ninja has returned for the summer. Good times. She now has a boyfriend. Go figure.

Just recently found out that the only girl I've ever been in love with is getting married. (Not to me.)

Hmong conspiracy got discovered in the Sacto region. Affects me mostly because I ran into the Hmong Beauty again last week. To say she was a little angry about the situation would be like saying Hitler was a little Anti-Semitic. Basically, I caught a real earful. A hottie with political anger: what's not to like?

Made a new friend. Homeboy's from Alaska. He is just as sick and twisted as I am. I shall henceforth refer to him here as Fish.

There is more, but I have shit to do. These are the main bullet points, more or less. I shall elaborate on the Hmong conspiracy at a later date. Needless to say, the whole situation really sticks in my craw. I mean...it just...oh...grr. I'll talk about it later.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Ain't dead yet, bitches!

2007-06-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

I've just been busy. Plus, if I don't do something regularly, it's easy to just forget about it altogether. Ergo, I miss updating one week, which then turns into two, and so on. But rest assured, I have not forgotten. There is much to speak of, but that will have to wait for tomorrow. I have to get to work. I will not forget.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!I

Ice Cream and a Bear Hug.

2007-04-13T15:53:00.000-07:00

When you get right down to it, that's exactly what you need sometimes. Regardless of who you are, or where you're from, these two things can do immense good, when applied at the right time.

When your life is totally messed up and you feel like shit, sometimes all you need is for someone to sit down next to you, pass you a pint of Ben and Jerry's, slip their arm around your shoulders, and say that they think you're an alright person.

That's all. No happy, go-lucky catchphrases. No waxing philosophical. No botched attempt to create laughter. Just ice cream and a big hug. Nothing more.

There are so many people I wish I could do that for. Just a hug and some ice cream. A simple way of saying, "You matter."

LG, if you are reading this, you are one of those people. Be at peace, little one.

And as for the rest of you...

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Just so it's on the record:

2007-03-08T17:05:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate boxers. Not the fighters, the undergarments. They are not comfortable to wear!

Having said that, there are always people who say,"But they're more roomy!"

Well, you know what? Unless you have a foot-long dick( and you know who you are ), boxers are completely useless. In the words of comedian Steve Mcgrew: "Boxers are just a piece of cloth that covers your balls, as they slap against the inside of your leg." And on top of all that, unless you have little chicken legs, boxers ride up: giving you a wedgie and squashing your nuts much more severely than they ever were when you wore the oft-maligned "tighty-whiteys".

To those who claim that boxers raise your sperm count, I will say this:

"Listen, fucko! Consider, for a moment, to whom you are speaking.
Do you really like the idea of me breeding? I mean, holy shit, just
think about it! A dozen or so little versions of me running around
this little dirtball planet. Good Lord, can you imagine the chick
version of me? Crap in a bag, she'd be a walking train wreck! And
God forbid any of them end up attaining some position of power!
Fuck me, that's a scary notion. Dear shit in heaven, are you fucking
kidding me? Increase my sperm count? In what fucking world would
that be considered a good idea? Wear boxers? Shee-it. I'd rather
suckerpunch a grizzly bear. Increased sperm count, my ass. Are you out of
your fucking mind? You know what? Slag off, and die in whatever way
seems best to you. Jackhole."

And that's a direct quote.

Having said that, I will admit that boxer briefs are okay. Just not in the summer. Chaffing is not fun.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

I'm pretty sure that no one has ever written this before. Ever.

2007-03-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

Uggle bump fizz, the goose is on the loose. Chocolate-covered spandex! How can I lose? Descending of the testicles is highly overrated. Platypus cabbage feet. Booble. Booble bobble beeble. Irate giraffe. That's what she said, Officer! 7,3,7 3 1. And you can take that car and drive it down a hill, as far as I'm concerned! The wind in the willows, or maybe wool garters. I love Portuguese women, they touched my hoo-hah. If you can't take the heat, don't set yourself on fire! Jackass. I hope you make rough love to a mountain goat, and he doesn't call you in the morning! And that's how I learned the true meaning of Columbus day. Sixguns of Empire! God shave the Queen!

Priceless.

I'M DONE NOW.

The Kurds are BAMFs.

2007-02-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

All I'm going to say is this: if an American university is built in Kurdistan, I may very well attend. Not only would this undoubtedly sate my desire to visit the Middle East, it would also be my pleasure to show support for the Kurdish people. They kick ass!

THE KURDS: WE LEFT THEM HANGING AFTER THE FIRST GULF WAR, AND THEY STILL CONSIDER US THEIR FRIENDS. WE DESPERATELY NEED FRIENDS THAT ARE THIS FORGIVING. PARTICULARLY ONES THAT DON'T FUND TERRORISTS BEHIND OUR BACKS.

Just a thought.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

I'm probably gonna end up in Guantanamo for this.

2007-02-14T15:41:00.000-08:00

For those who found the last update shocking, once you've read the M.C.A. (and I truly hope you have), take a look around here: http://www.constitution.org/mil/cs_milit.htm

Don't be afraid, only a few of the writings are by complete whackjobs. Just start reading and decide for yourself which articles are nuts and which ones light a little fire in the back of your mind.

Hint: "They're all nuts!" isn't an answer.

I'll see you soon.

Well, not really, seeing as I'm typing on a computer and you're sitting somewhere reading it. But still, the statement stands. I think. My brain's itchy.

Is that someone at the door?

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Look what rolled out of bed.

2007-02-12T15:36:00.000-08:00

First things first: Yes, I've been gone awhile. Things came up. Learn to cope.

Now to business.

The MILITARY COMMISSIONS ACT. Sounds fairly innocent, doesn't it? Nothing too sinister about military commissions. Just a harmless piece of legislature for the armed forces, right?

Wrong.

In effect, it gives the government the right to arrest and detain, for an indefinite amount of time, anyone labeled an enemy combatant. Now bear in mind, the term "enemy combatant" is a rather generalized term, covering a broad span of ground, up to and including unarmed American civilians. On top of that charming little nugget of information, the act also includes clandestine detention facilities, secret evidence(?), and the term "harsh interrogation", a.k.a. torture. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for winning the war, but at what point do we draw the line?

We have allowed our government a great deal of "wartime powers", but the question I put to you is this: regardless of whether we win or lose the War on Terror, will the government relinquish it's newfound powers and allow this nation to return to the state of liberty it once was? Or will the powers that be leave this unnerving bit of writing in place, as a "just in case" kind of a thing? Read up on this bit of legislation, read up on the McCarthy era, and tell me that this isn't a recipe for disaster and ruin.
Make no mistake, there are strange and terrible things a' brewin'.

"They that would give up essential liberties for a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." -Benjamin Franklin

Wise man. Wise words. Take them to heart, and take a closer look at the world around you. What you see just might scare the living shit out of you.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Onward and Upward...and Slightly to the Left

2007-01-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

New Year. Woo.

I can honestly say that this year is not starting on the highest note, but I find myself in good cheer, nonetheless. I still have a job; there are still fun people at that job; I have yet to be hit by a bus. All things considered, life is pretty sweet!

I shall return to my political rants soon enough. Been too busy of late to consider events outside my own little microcosm. Such is life.

Hangovers suck.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Many blessings to y'all.

2006-12-31T19:14:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm getting ready to go out partying for New Year's, and I just wanted to update a few things:

1. Feisty Ninja goes back to Socal tomorrow. This saddens me.

2. Both Dirty Viking and my kin bought Mosin-Nagants. This pleases me.

3. We are approaching a new year. This is of no consequence to me.

That's all for now. God speed.

I'll see you on the other side.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

I like this present!

2006-12-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

Feisty Ninja is back at work for the holidays! I still do not enjoy my job, but having her back here genuinely makes me happy to go to work. Every time I see her, I just feel like grinning; and not the fake "How-can-I-help-you?" grin, but a real, true shit-eatin' grin. Just as the good Lord intended. God, I love Christmas! I swear I'll post again soon.

Happy Holidays, to those of you that celebrate one!

Not Wiccans, though. You just sit in the corner and think about what you did.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Clarification

2006-11-15T18:31:00.000-08:00

I mention a lot of people here. This is a brief summary of who they are and how they relate to me.

Frostbyte- My oldest friend in the world. We've been buds since grade school, and I trust him with my life.

Feisty Ninja- A sweet and sexy Southeast Asian girl I work with, who makes work a joy. She's teeny-tiny, but she sounds like Aretha Franklin when she sings. She is kick-ass!

Quirkiness- A delightful young woman who shares my unpleasantly unique sense of humor. She chose to return to her native lands in the Southwest, thereby restricting our interaction to the occasional phone call. Her presence is missed. As are her romantic advances.

The Whimsy Clerk- A young lad I work with who shares my fondess for tomfoolery and cheek.

Hombre de Leche- Yet another coworker. Laughs at all my jokes, generally makes me feel pretty. Also quotes Family Guy about as much as I do.

Frexican- A delightful tomboy, with a penchant for mischief. Also makes work tolerable.

Rack- My high school crush. She has the unpleasant tendancy to remove herself from your life, then reinsert herself when she feels it is convenient. Used to be good friends with her. Now just wait for her to stop talking, so I can walk away.

Dirty Viking- Another of my old, old friends. You can thank him for stimulating the political part of my brain, back in high school. He is the reason I give enough of a rat's ass to vent my thoughts on politics on this blog. Unfortunately, his thinking and his drinking are in equal proportions, so there's no telling how much longer we will have his political genius. Malt liquor is not good for the brain.

Flaco Mexicano- My own personal dumbass Marine. Been friends since high school. If you've ever seen "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back", you will understand what I mean when I say that Flaco Mexicano is my "hetero lifemate".

Hot Lips- Basically a pseudonym for any sweet young thing that has temporarily caught my attention. I've never used it, because women in whom I take only a passing interest are not worth writing about.

Berman- Another friend from high school. Sweet guy, but not especially bright. Can drive anything with wheels or tracks, however.

And last but not least... Poquito Rojo

Where he actually came from, I will never know. But Lord help me, I am sure as hell glad I found him. He's like the brother I never had (or wanted), and he is one of the five people I trust implicitly. He may be a part of the Big Bad Government, but I still trust him more than I trust half my own family! He is a pasty, red-haired leprechaun, and he is one of my closest friends.

There are other I could write about, but I don't feel like it.

Back in Chartreuse!

2006-11-15T18:17:00.000-08:00

Well, it was bound to happen. The Dems took the House and the Senate. Aw, poopy.

I can't say that I'm surprised at all, I'm just not happy about it. Which isn't to say that the Big Red really did anything to impress me. It's really that of the two teams of asshats, the Big Red was the slightly less asshattery-prone one, though not by much.

All I'm going to say is this: If you intend to buy a gun, I suggest you do it now. There's no telling what they're going to pull this time around.

There. I've said my piece. If I had my 'druthers, it would be different. But it isn't; such is life.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Allo allo, naughty monkeys!

2006-10-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, hasn't it, my pets?

I could take the time to tell you that I've had the hours I work cut in half, thereby reducing my pay. I could tell you that I'm bound for Banjoland later this month, to see Grandfather one last time before he passes. I could tell you that I got to see Poquito Rojo in mid-September, and that we got so piss drunk, I couldn't walk.

I could spend the few precious minutes of free time that I have telling you all about my opinions on the state of the world. About how our satellites stop working when they pass over China, because those vertically challenged geniuses are using lasers to blind the satellites whenever they pass over Chinese airspace. I could point out that the media specifically chose not to release that particular story. I could rant and rave about how China is not going to be our whipping boy for much longer. How feigning weakness is one of The Thirty-Six Stratagems the Chinese and their proxies use to fight us or lull us into a false sense of confidence. I could warn of a conflict of epic proportions that is not too far off, and that nobody seems to realize is coming.

But I won't.

Instead, I will simply say that my balls itch, I need more sleep, and Hawaiian women are hot. I bid you good day.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Hijo de la chingada.

2006-09-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am quite aware of the fact that I have not updated in a spell. But, as I stated in my last post, things have been unpleasant at best. But, such is life. On to business!

I was hanging out with Frostbyte, watching the news, when we were both snapped to attention by a headline: Words from the new Pope infuriates Muslims. What's this? What, what? Beni's starting shit with the Muslims? We waited on the edge of our seats until the end of the commercial break, jiggling with curiosity (Enjoy that mental picture!). Lo and behold, the news then plays a recording (translated) of Beni the whatever's speech in which he says some inflammatory (but true) things about the prophet Muhammed. Naturally, the Islamic world was pissed, just like it always is when the prophet is mentioned by anyone other than a Muslim. Granted, the Pope retracted his statements yesterday, but the thought is still out there. For a few brief moments, disaster seemed imminent.

Consider for a moment:
Muslims get pissed
Muslim extremists explodify the Vatican
Every Catholic in the world converges on the Middle East
Kaboom ensues

That may be a little unrealistic, but not enough for me to laugh about it.

Long story short, life continues to get more interesting, regardless of whether or not I want it to.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

I miss my donkey.

2006-09-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

This has been a shit week. Here is why:

1. My Political Science class is a total wank. The teacher, who I suspect is a closet racist, does little more than ramble on for the better part of the hour. Whenever he says something vaguely inflammatory, and someone challenges him, he doesn't argue. He simply backs down and says,"Well, you may be right. I don't know." I was hoping, beyond all hope, that Poli-Sci would be chock-full of rousing political debates; a veritable stronghold of liberal thinking where I could plant myself in the middle of the room and challenge all to a verbal sparring match, taking all comers. Instead I'm stuck in a fucking lecture, listening to some dessicated old fart pontificate on the importance of polls and graphs.

2. Feisty Ninja has gone off to college, leaving me to fend off the boredom at work by myself. Well, not by myself. I still have Frexican, Frostbyte, The Whimsy Clerk, and Hombre de Leche. Not to mention my adopted daughter, the Average Asian; she's not actually my daughter, but she says I'm like a second Dad to her, so she becomes my daughter by default. Now granted, I just listed a whole bunch of people that keep things interesting, but Feisty Ninja just made my day every time we worked together. She will be sorely missed in the weeks to come. Hopefully she'll be back at Christmas.

3. I am almost continually running on no more than six hour's sleep.

4. Poquito Rojo returned to parts unknown (and Gonnorrhea-infested).

5. My funds are rising very slowly. Textbooks really take a bite, in case you were wondering.

6. Grandpa has taken a turn for the worse.

That is all for now.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

We are at maximum whimsy right now!

2006-08-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

I am unceasingly tired right now, so I am going to be very brief. Normally I'd be boxer, but not today.

I caught a brief look at the news, and was left with a single question burning in my brain: Who's going to deal with the Persians? To anyone who's done a decent amount of research, it's pretty obvious that Iran has been the premiere shit-starter in the Middle East, over the last 20 years.
So, once again, who's going to deal with Ayatollah Khameini and the IRGC? Is it our job? Is it Israel's? Honestly, I can't think of anyone else who would or could. Russia? No chance. European Union? Insert hysterical laughter here. China? Not bloody likely, seeing as China is to Iran what the United States is to Israel. Essentially, the remaining choices are:
A. Canada 2. Australia C. Switzerland

Now that I think about it, those aren't even options.

So, here we are. Either we do something about it, or the Iranians will continue on with their shenanigans. Soon to be nuclear shenanigans, by the way. Just a little something to ponder when you're sitting on the john.

And yes, I know this wasn't brief. Feces occurs, existence continues.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Oh, Lord, it burns!

2006-08-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

I've been busy working and going to school, so I've seen no news programs. But even without seeing any news, I can still guess the bullet points:

-Israel continues to face difficulties in Lebanon; UN continues to seek a ceasefire

-Hezbollah lauches more rockets over the border into Israel, killing several people

-American troops were killed by IEDs in Iraq

-Iran refuses to stop with its nuclear program

-Kim Jong Il is still a crazy motherfucker

-arguements are raging over gay marriage and stem cell research

-Hillary Clinton is still a crazy-ass bitch

-something bad happened in India

-some celebrity got married/divorced/cannibalized

-Dick Cheney looked creepy

-somebody got shot

Tell me I'm wrong.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

You crash - I'll burn.

2006-08-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well, school starts soon, and I can't help but think that I could have done more over the summer. Granted, I got a new job, went to two concerts, drank on many occasions, hung out with Frostbyte and Dirty Viking, got over Rack, bid farewell to the Hmong Beauty, started helping Pappy restore a 1936 Chevy flatbed, read over a dozen books, fell in love with the music of Howlin' Wolf, developed the drink that I call the Viking Lullaby, rediscovered my appreciation of truck stop quisine, nearly finished repairing my '66 Mustang, began altering my Mosin Nagant M91 into a "sniper" rifle, finally saw Tombstone for the first time, learned the pleasures of a good cigar, wrote a couple of songs, taught myself how to throw a scythe with disturbing accuracy, took up tomahawk fighting, helped Frostbyte start restoring his VW Bug, found a new friend in the Feisty Ninja, got back into contact with Quirkiness, drank some more, and continued to learn Arabic.
But, there's that little voice in the back of my head thinking, "Damn, I should have bought a hat with a feather in it!" You know what I mean? Ah, malesh. I guess I'll just have to man up and power through; just like I always have.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Giggity!

2006-08-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

Holy hell! I never actually realize how intelligent I am, until I meet a product of California's public school system. I was talking to a guy in the store yesterday, and he was saying that it was too bad about the religious persecution in the middle east. I asked him what he meant. Here is what he said, exactly: "You know, how the Israelis are the attacking the Hezbollites, just because of their religious beliefs. Hezbollah is just a religious group trying to worship it's own way. And on top of all that, they only have World War 2-issue rocket to defend themselves with!" That's right. That is what he said. I was so utterly dumbfounded, I was unable to speak. Hell, my mouth was even hanging open! Apparently, I was staring at him just long enough for him to back away, looking confused. This was probably for the best, seeing as that I probably would have bitten his head off, otherwise. If somebody knows their facts and chooses to disagree with what's going on in the middle east, so be it; I can almost respect that. But people like this guy, protesting both the U.S. and the Israelis in the Levant, without any real idea what he's talking about, those people make me sick. These are the people whose thoughts and ideas I completely disregard. Honestly, I put their words in the same category as the words of people who are high on drugs, and elderly people with Alzheimer's. You listen politely, then forget everything they said.
If you ever wonder what an Asshat is, this guy is a sparkling example.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Whee!

2006-07-31T14:04:00.001-07:00

I am 41% Asshole/Bitch.

I may think I am an a asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

Smack my ass and call me Chadwick!

2006-07-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

Hello, all my cheeky little monkeys! I know, I didn't update last week. What a fucktard am I. But I digress. I got to talk to Flaco Mexicano, who is currently railing off about how severely he dislikes Army personnel. Being a Marine, he naturally feels that all other military branches are inferior, but in this case, I would have to agree with him. His job is to protect the engineers who get rid of Improvised Explosive Devices, and he gets to see some world-class dipshits get themselves blown up by being dumbasses. Here is an example. The following story is told roughly as it was told to me: An Army patrol is out, obviously, patrolling. They are driving along, when they see an IED, but not in time to stop. Fortunately, God is merciful, and the device does not explode. The soldiers get out of the Humvee to examine it. (Stupid-ass motherfucking mistake #1) Then, curious as to why the device didn't explode, the group decides that someone should kick it. (Stupid-ass motherfucking mistake #2) Despite how stupid that sounds, one guy (The Grand Asshat of the group) actually kicks it, activating the device's secondary trigger. The damn thing goes off, and the shithead only loses a leg. I say only, because A.) The IED could have been a lot more powerful, and taken out his entire squad, and B.) None of his brothers-in-arms were injured. Now don't get me wrong, it sucks that the guy lost his leg; he has my condolences. But straight up, I shit you not, this guy is a fucking moron. Who the hell kicks an explosive device?! What could possibly make that sound like a good idea?! Okay, it didn't go off at first, which was a stroke of luck, but why in the hell would you then kick the damn thing? I always try to believe that infantry grunts are not as stupid as they are made out to be, but when shit like this happens, I find it pretty difficult.
NOTE: I am not ragging on the military. I am simply pointing out that some soldiers are too stupid to breathe, and are not much help to our Armed Forces.

And now I would like to end my rant by saying this: Fuck Hezbollah, fuck Hamas, fuck Jamaat-i-Islam, fuck Sepah, and fuck Billie Joe Armstrong, because that guy pisses me off!

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Wonky

2006-07-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

So I was at work Thursday, when I ran into an old friend from high school. She jsut got back from Lebanon, and is still pretty shaken up. She just so happens to be Lebanese, so the last couple of weeks have been doubly painful. The Israelis invaded about half an hour after her flight took off, and she still hasn't heard from her cousin in Tripoli. To make matters worse, she was watching the news, and saw the apartment where her friend lives get hit by rockets; fortunately, her friend had already moved out. As much as I agree with the Israelis, it is difficult to look a Lebanese person in the eye and say so. Israel has to go into Lebanon to eliminate Hezbollah, but a lot of innocent Lebanese are pretty much getting fucked over. It's like burning everything in the south, in order to eliminate the Ku Klux Klan. They're assholes, but hitting them means hitting a lot of people who haven't done anything wrong.
I'm not saying Israel should pull out of Lebanon, I'm just saying that Lebanon is kind of getting fucked over. If Israel wants to beat Hezbollah, it has to go to the source: Hezbollah was trained by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards. Looks like confrontation with Iran may be inevitable. Oh, well. Fuck 'em. They've had an ass-kicking on layaway for some time now, guess it's just about time to deliver!

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Some food for thought:

2006-07-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

As I have stated before, one of the main problems plagueing our military today is the vast preponderance of rear echelon people making the decisions. However, there is a second problem for which the rear echelon people are to blame. Our infantry is not trained to fight against irregular infantry, such as we are facing now in Iraq and Afghanistan. Against a mechanized opponent, we are unbeatable. Like the Macedonian phalanx of the ancient world, we will steamroll over anyone stupid and/or crazy enough to stand against us. Unfortunately, the opponents we now face are more akin to the horse-archers of the Eurasian Steppes, and the phalanx was completely useless against such foes. Alexander the Great conquered these people, but without the use of the phalanx. He defeated them with troops that were armed and equipped in a similar fashion, mostly recruits from just south of the Steppes, who fought in basically the same way as their neighbors to the north. To use a familiar cliche', he learned to fight fire with fire, defeating an unfamilar opponent by using similar troops to fight on a level playing field.

This is what must be done with our forces now. What we need are light infantry unit to combat the insurgents on equal terms. Using standoff weaponry is a really bad fucking idea in the Middle East. Collateral damage is a problem to begin with, but in the Islamic sphere of influence, it not only causes the occupying force to lose the support of the indigenous population, it actually creates more insurgent fighters. In the Middle East, vengeance is a sacred duty, so every time a woman or child is killed by a bomb or stray bullet, the male relatives will be forced to seek vengeance. In effect, for every two or three insurgents killed by a "smart bomb" or a "surgical strike", at least twice as many fighters will be created by the collateral damage associated with the technology. This shit is not going to work.

The most effective solution is to train light infantry to counter the irregular fighters, with a minimum of collatteral losses. A group of well-trained foot soldiers can eliminate opponents with a great deal more precision than a 500-pound bomb! We have many groups trained in irregular fighting tactics, but they are not light infantry, and they are far too valuable to be used for day-to -day fighting. They are Special Forces, not infantry. They are extremely well trained, the best of the best, and while this makes them the sharpest tip of our spear, it also makes their numbers too small to be used in such a broad capacity. They kick ass, but they should be used for special occaisions only, not grunt work.

Light infantry is the bread-and-butter of our opponents in the east. Hit-and-run tactics are really their best suit. Close-range fighting is their specialty. They are stealthy, accurate, and far more dangerous than the leaders of the west give them credit for. They practice Maneuver Warfare. This is the fighting style that caused a stalemate in Korea and a withdrawal in Vietnam. It is what drove the Russians out of Afghanistan, and is currently kicking their asses in Chechnya. It is what got the Israelis to leave Lebanon in the first place, and what will undoubtedly cause them a great many problems in their current endeavors. If not dealt with effectively, it will cause us many more problems in both Afghanistan and Iraq. I am not criticizing our gents in uniform, they are doing magnificently with the training they were given. Unfortunately, the training they were given is not doing them any favors. Our infantry tactics have changed very little since WW2, and we are not fighting Industrialized armies anymore. We are engaged in a guerilla war, and our troops need to be trained how to handle it effectively. If they are not, more people will die. People dying is part of war, I understand that entirely. But people dying because politicians and other rear echelon people are too stubborn, or too fucking lazy, to adjust to a new situation, is not okay. In a war, soldiers die. That's the way things are. But they shouldn't have to die because some stodgy old general doesn't want things to change at all. Our military needs to adapt to the new threat, because ignoring it is not just ill-advised: It's criminal.

Allah hoo'mah ah'nah. (May God be with us.)

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

For the Record:

2006-07-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

The Fourth of July. The day we officially declared our independance from a corrupt, imperialistic foreign government. It seems strange to think that, not more than two hundred and fifty years ago, we were little more than a backwater colony of a vast empire. And now, we are the premiere power in the world. Funny old world, isn't it? A different type of diplomacy, and we would be like Canada. (Insert shudder here.) But history took its course, and here we stand: Free and damn proud of it. We cut our ties to the crown, and made our own fortunes. Now the United Kingdom is our ally, instead of our master. Strange.

Today we celebrate our freedom, which we won with our own blood and sweat.

I may piss and moan about problems with the government and its various branches, but I do it because I love this country. This country, which allows me to speak my mind. This country, whose own fundamental list of rights guarantees people that they will be treated decently. This country, that promised long ago never to debarr its citizens the right to arm themselves for defense against incursion, both foreign and domestic. I am proud to be an American, and I will always stand against those who would try to encroach on, or try to restrict, these rights. Any politicians who would are not worthy of their positions, and should be stripped of their ranks. Like the Navy commercial says: Life. Liberty. And the pursuit of all who oppose it. Hoo-rah.

God Bless America. God Bless the men and women of the Armed Forces. And Fuck Those Who Say Otherwise.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Quick thought:

2006-06-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

Politicians should not be making decisions about combat tactics. Rear echelon people cannot effectively make decisions for people in the front lines. This is not prompted by anything I saw in the news, I'm just stating for the record. And if you want another opinion on the matter, just ask any soldier deployed in the field what they think, and they will tel you the same thing, only with more colorful language. Or, better yet, ask Michael J. Durant. Or any other member of Task Force Ranger. Hell, ask troops serving in the Great Sandbox right now. Bureaucrats have no place in the world of soldiers. Yet, they are inexplicably allowed to make choices that will affect the troops on the ground severely. This is bullshit. But, alas, I'm just one crazy man in a very large country. Malesh.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Somebody kick out the jams, dammit!

2006-06-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, so first things first. I got a new job, and that is cause for celebration. As such, the Dirty Viking and I split a large bottle of Jagermeister (best alcohol ever) in celebration. And, as the inebriated have a tendency to do, we got to talking. We covered a wide variety of subjects, up to and including our shared fondness of Polynesian women (Asian features + Latin curves= Good Times!) , when we came to the issue of immigration, yet again. The D.V. and I both believe in immigration reform, and we have both worked side-by-side with Mexican laborers, so we have a greater appreciation for what they do than most people. Anyhoo, we were discussing less beauracratic ways for people to gain citizenship, when we hit upon a novel concept: Let them serve in the military to earn their citizenship! Form a separate force of troops composed of foreigners wishing to earn citizenship, without taking the usual route. In the Roman Empire, barbarian peoples served in the auxilia, or reserves, for twenty years, then were rewarded for their services by being made citizens of the empire. The way I figure it, we could create a rather sizeable force of soldiers by offering immigrants citzenship in exchange for military service. They would be earning the right to become citizens, plus, the draft would become a pointless concept, since the need for more troops could be filled by more potential citizens. The way I see it, it's a win-win situation. And while serving in the military, part of their training would be learning English throughout their service time, so when they are released, they are relatively fluent in the native language. This idea is directed more towards men and women from Latin countries, but it could just as easily apply to any other groups that are interested. Additionally, we should recruit soldiers from Afghanistan and Iraq to serve in specialized units, like the British did with Nepalese Gurkhas. It's a strange thought, I know, but it does merit consideration. Instead of making enemies out of these groups, we should make them allies and friends. It could work, it would just take time. Unfortunately, it will probably never work, because the American public has all the attention span of a retarded fruit fly. If it takes more than ten years to accomplish, we aren't interested. Hijo de la chingada! Schiesse! Putan pe'ei! And your mothers ass! Dammit. I'm a misunderstood genius and/or sex bomb. Ah, well. In'sha'allah.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Gilded tallywhackers for everyone!

2006-06-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

I got a new job today, and I start in an hour. I'm so happy, I could shit! As a matter of fact, I think I will. Always remember, there is always someone cleverer that yourself. Or bigger. Or that has a gun. Or a really good attorney. As a point of fact, you're pretty much fucked, no matter what you do. Life's a bitch, and then someone makes you their's.

p.s. Listen anonymous, if you're spamming me, I'll..well, I probably won't do anything. But by golly, I sure won't like you very much. Sort of. I don't know. Malesh.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Another Poetic Interlude:

2006-06-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

There once was a man with five arms,
Who stole food from the neighboring farms,
He ate meat from a spit,
And then took a shit,
That set off all the nearby alarms!

Thank You.

Raise the board and gas the ammunition!

2006-06-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

The election is tomorrow, here in Californication, and I am still vexed, annoyed, and even perturbed. The propositions are all bullshit, the main candidates are pretty much all douchebags, and I'm sweaty! The last one isn't really related to the first two, but it's hot, and therefore I am displeased. Though, to be fair, the government has done a great job of ignoring global warming; so in a roundabout way, my being sweaty really is the politicians' fault! Hooray! Mark one up for the good guys...or the lazy guys...wait, I forget- who am I talking about? Something about jam? I don't know, I'm sweaty. Fucking global warming.

To all of you out there who drive SUVs: FUCK YOU! AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON! AND SO FORTH! ETCETERA, ETCETERA! NIPPLES! TALLY FORTH AND WHAT HO, Ha-HAH!

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Bastards Aplenty

2006-05-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

Democratic candidates for governor of California are Steve Westly, a developer, and Phil Angelides, a developer. In short, they're both douchebags who will unboubtedly use their political clout to further the urban development of California for their friends. Whatever happened to the scumbags from the days of yore? I mean, sure, they'd ride through the villages burning houses and having their way with the womenfolk, but at least they were up front and honest about it. They'd look you right in the eye and say,"We're going to steal your valuables, burn your house to the ground, then have group sex with your wife!" You see? Honest.

Plus, you could kill them and not feel bad about it.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Some thought for food:

2006-05-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Laxative: An anal decongestant

Fearlessness: A lack of death perception

Wang: A name in China, a cock in the U.S.

Do lobsters get constipated? If so, how does it affect me?

I can't be sure, but I think that Xiang Xiyi's name is actually pronounced Burffle-Jug Jones.

Hooray for boobies!

Well played.

2006-05-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

It seems like Iraq's prime minister is a real ass-kicker. He seems pretty adamant about getting Iraq's shit in gear, saying that he hopes to have Iraqi troops take over for the U.S. ihn about a year and a half. But at least he's realistic. He wants the Iraqi troops to take the reins, but he wants to keep some American troops in Iraq as a rapid response force, which is a pretty good idea. And to top it all off, in a public address, he gave a shout out to all of the parents of American soldiers, saying that hopefully their sons and daughters would be coming home soon. He also offered his condolences to the parents of soldiers who have died in Iraq. So far, this guy seems pretty cool. Here's to hoping that he doesn't turn out to be a douchebag!

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Ho ride. Take it sleazy.

2006-05-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

It frightens me to say this, but generation X and, to a lesser extent, generation Y2K, may very well be the last hard-working generations in the U.S. Think about it: The kids being raised today are being spoiled, pampered, and over-protected like no generation before. Due to the technological revolution, many children think everything is just a mouse-click away. And just look at the toys they play with! I went to a toys'r'us the other day, and it took me a damn half-hour to find a toy that didn't have any special gadgets or abilities, other than basic articulation. Everything was spring-loaded, talking, lazer-show, genuine horse-fucking action, etc. Also makes Julie-Anne's fries! I rant further, but I'm a little to uppity right now, and I find that typing taxes me. My brain hurts. I may update later this week; then again, I might not. Who knows? I know I sure as hell don't.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Dumbass

2006-05-16T10:42:00.001-07:00

Well, I just did something stupid. While dicking around on myspace, I stumbled upon Rack's page. Of course, being the self-devastating motherfucker that I am, I went to it. Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking mistake. As always, she's happy with some other guy. Specifically, some other guy who isn't me.Damn. I know, I should be happy for her, but I'm not. I'm usually gracious in defeat, but in this case, I say fuck being the bigger person. I'm tired of it. But, the good Lord never closes a door with out opening up a window; I'm hoping that that window will open soon, because it's getting kind of stuffy in here. Shit. Well, maybe the Hmong Beauty and I will work out, in'shah'allah. All I can do now is stand tall, and hope for the best. Such is the way of things. Ah, malesh.

I'll do a regular post later.

Salaam aleykum, Bitches!

Not gonna happen.

2006-05-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is one of my few truly hardcore right-wing thoughts: There is no way in hell that the national anthem should be sung in Spanish. Now, it has already been established that I am usually on the side of the Spanish speakers, but in this case I will make an exception. The United States, for better or worse, is an English-speaking country. And though a large percentage of the population speaks Spanish, the national anthem is not a point of fucking negotiation. Living in California, I both understand and accept that many people living in this country do not speak English. I also understand and accept the fact that English is one of the most difficult and complex languages in the world, and not only is it a hard tongue to master, but some people just don't learn other languages easily. I can sympathize. But the national anthem was written in English, and should only be sung in English. Period. End of discussion.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

A Poetic Interlude:

2006-05-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

Up the hill and down the dale,
Shoot a harpoon at a whale.
Smack a Ukrainian hooker's ass
While rolling naked in the grass.
When at the table, masticate.
When in your friend's car, flatulate.
Now tie your tube socks 'round a cat,
This had no point, but what of that?

Thank You.

All's well that bends well

2006-05-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

Things are back to normal. The Hmong beauty is still talking to me, and has dismissed the entire unpleasant affair as a simple misunderstanding. God, she's awesome. And smart. And short. Really short. Like, four-foot-something short. Still cute , though. Damn cute. Asian chicks rule.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

10 things you might not know about me, and will probably wish you didn't.

2006-05-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

1. I have always felt mysteriously drawn to the middle east. The culture, the history, the language; I just find myself drawn to them.

2. I once had a pet scorpion named Roy for a grand total of two hours. He got smashed by an automatic garage door when the motor went haywire.

3. I don't generally go for blonde, blue-eyed white chicks. I like 'em swarthy!

4. I like to sing Barbershop quartet music.

5. I like scented candles, especially pomegranate.

6. I study Reflexology.

7. I once worked for a horse breeder for three months, and learned to train horses.

8. I hate low-flow toilets with a fiery passion.

9. I can't eat oatmeal because it makes me gag.

10. I have never had someone who was in love with me. (I'm a sad, lonely man.)

Crazy Bastard fucks things up again!

2006-05-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so long story short: There is this cute little Southeast Asian woman in my class, and she and I have been flirting for some time now. She seems to like me and I like her. Cool.

Here's what went wrong: She turns to me after hearing my speech on the Basques, in which I also mentioned the Hmongs, and asked me if I knew that she was a Hmong. Choosing to be honest, I told her that I had no idea she was a Hmong. She mulled this over for a minute, then asked me what I had thought she was before. Before I could catch myself, I told her that I had thought she was Cambodian. Big mistake. Telling a Hmong that you thought they were Cambodian is like telling an Israeli you thought they were Palestinian.

End result: She hasn't spoken to me in several days. Dammit.

Also, I need to correct a mispronunciation. My bad.

Salaam Aleykum, Bitches!

Ponderings at 3 in the morning

2006-05-07T03:39:00.000-07:00

Mastication: It sounds dirty, but you can do it in front of your grandparents!
Nipples: Who the hell decided to call them that? Why not call them "Launchpads to Adventure"?
Lugubrious: I know what it means, but it still sounds dirty.
Bucolic: Same as above.
Fast food places are always a hell of a lot more fun at three in the morning.
Women always find me much more charming at this time of the night.
There are dirty movies on Cinemax!
I like pudding. No, really, I mean it: I like pudding.
Hampsters have nipples.
For that matter, so do I. Not sure why, though.
My wang itches.
Microwave burritos kick ass!
Hawaiian women are unimagineably hot.
That is all.

Well, here goes nothing. I got tagged, so deal with it.

2006-05-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

I Am: Loyal, given to reciprocation, brown and proud, imaginitive, compassionate
I Want: A fucking girlfriend!!!, a decent job, a '73 El Camino, a Springfield M1A, a viable third political party!
I Wish: Life wasn't so complicated, that everybody could agree not to fuck each other over, that I wasn't so damn crazy, that all my friends and family will find eventually find their true calling in life
I Hate: Abusive people, shitty parents who don't discipline their kids, anyone who hates other people simply because of slight differences in culture or skin tone, anyone who says that violence has never solved anything, anyone who would impose on my rights guaranteed me by the Constitution, white supremacists, Janjuwi
I Miss: My Grandparents living next door, my friends off in the military, Rack, every damn time I see her, my absolute faith in the system, the innocence of childhood
I Fear: Chucky, suffocation, dying alone, losing all of my friends, outright failure
I Hear: Some Nickelback song playing upstairs
I Wonder: What my purpose in life is
I Regret: Not asking Beth out in high school, assorted other failings
I Am Not: Good at algebra, as forgiving as I should be, mentally stable all the time, as honest as I once was
I Dance: When I really love the music, when I'm naked and standing in front of the air conditioner vent, when I've got someone to dance with (preferrably a woman, but hey, I'm not picky!)
I Sing: When I feel like it, or the air conditioner thing
I Cry: When I am completely enraged, when I get tired of fighting against the whole fucking ocean
I Am Not Always: able to help my friends when they truly need it, tactful, honest, patient with people who irritate me, a gentleman
I Make: people laugh their asses off, stupid mistakes, decisions both good and bad, bitchin' feta burgers, friends occaisionally
I Write: My political thoughts, my insane thoughts, occaisional erotica
I Confuse: Every single motherfucker I've ever met, fantasy with reality
I Need: For the few remaing friends I have to stay with me, to find a good woman, to get my shit together, to pick a path in life
I Have: a big ass, great friends, a yowly-howly dog
I Love: Walking in the moonlight, the few friends I have, learning
I Should: Be more outgoing, do all the things I say I'm going to do, pick a path in life, lose some weight
I Tag: Nobody, really. But, if the Dirty Viking or Poquito Rojo feel like it, they are more than welcome to.

Oy, yu! Mynd yer heed!

2006-05-02T09:25:00.000-07:00

So, me and the Dirty Viking went to the Scottish Games this weekend, and experienced a cavalcade of fine pointy things, and even finer women, who had their own pointy things for us to admire. By the way, have I ever mentioned that I love bodices? Yes, well, I do. Then D.V. and I hung out and watched The Man Who Would Be King; excellent movie by the way. And that's the story of how I saved Flag Day. Goodbye children! Stay in school, if for no other reason than to diddle your teachers when you reach High School! Fare thee well!

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

Huzzah!

2006-04-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well, my sister had a birthday this last weekend, and the Dirty Viking and I got quite tipsy. And no, I did not write the last post drunk; sadly, I was very, very sober. That said, I have little to say right now; maybe I'll update again later today. Then again, maybe not. By the way, Tia Carrere is really hot. I'd like to have sex with her, if you know what I mean! Ah, well. Time flies when you shag a nun.

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

This has never been written before.

2006-04-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

Wham thud pow to the bang bang boogie, boogie to the woogie come on. No thank you, Helen, I couldn't eat another bite. Sexual disorientation, and the coked-up porn star doesn't fear death! Refried shoelaces take the express lane to the great hereafter. Mud puddle lollipop, crashing on a purple mountain. The ocean of shattered hearts fills a blind man's soul, but the fire still lingers beyond. Testicular defibrillation for the unpleasantly brilliant and anal sex for the huddled masses. The pie was delicious, but the kangaroo stole my man flower. My spoon is too big! The cat is wearing tube socks, and for your information, plenty of people touch themselves inappropriately when watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Feces occurs, existence continues. I'm so happy, I could kick a socialist.
END COMMUNICATION.

Eat, Drink, and be Hairy, for Tommorrow We Fry.

2006-04-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

Please, sweet mother of God, don't let my words go unheeded. We have got to knock off this shit with Iran; if Israel has issues, fine. We'll help them out. But we shouldn't be goading Iran like we are. We are simply inviting another attack on our own soil, and believe you me, they are not going to hit New York a second time. If they launch a second attack, their target will be the West coast. To make matters worse, I strongly believe that this time the attack won't be with hijacked aircraft; this time I fear they will go nuclear. I know, I know, the analysts say the chances are very small, some say nonexistent, but I believe what I've said is true. Call me crazy if you want, but the problem is real, nonetheless. In'sha'allah, perhaps this will all blow over, and once again, I will be considered a nut job. But, if the worst should happen, let no one say that the attack was a blindside. Though I could say the same thing about China, I'll save that particular theory for another day. Ah, malesh.

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

SHAKE AND BAKE!

2006-04-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

Quick thought for the day: Iran is a real bitch. But it's not our bitch. Let Israel deal with them. ALONE. Hell, they've been asking us to just let them do their thing for thirty years. All we have to do is just STAY OUT OF IT! Trust me, the Israelis know how to take care of themselves; they don't need our help, and they most certainly don't desire our interference. Just let them run. Que sera, sera. Just a thought.

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

To those who love the c%$k, I salute you!

2006-04-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'll write anything this time, because I'm T to the H squared. (Tired, Hungry, and Horny) As such, I'm in no condition to express outrage and bitchiness to the vaguely discriminatig public. As though anyone actually reads this shit.

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

Why am I not surprised?

2006-04-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

John McCain has said that there were not enough votes in the senate for his "guest worker" bill to pass. And so, the Republican party has once again screwed itself. They may have won in the battle of immigration, but they have also guaranteed that we probably won't have another Republican president any time soon, Unless Senator McCain changes his mind. Even then, there's a good chance the Republicans will fuck that up, as well. I don't want ten years of Democrats in charge again. I just got my rifle, and if the Democrats take control again, I'll lose it. FUCK!!!!! We need a viable third party! Dammit, something must be done! Hello?! I'm so alone. Chinga le!

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

What to do if you're locked in a washing machine with an angry badger:

2006-03-30T17:48:00.000-08:00

1.) Figure out how the hell you got in the washer in the first place
2.) Train the badger to genuflect and sing "Blue Moon of Kentucky"
3.) Wrap your underpants around your hand, and use it to break through the glass*
4.) Go to the nearest liquor store and purchase a bottle of Malibu for the badger and a bottle of
Jagermeister for yourself
5.) Drink all of it
6.) Moon the ambassador of Uzbekistan
7.) Take a nap (trust me, you've earned it.)

*I am of course referring to washers found in a laundromat. If you find yourself locked in a washer with a steel door, then you are, quite literally, screwed.

ASSHATS!! STUPID F%$#ING ASSHATS!!

2006-03-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

Once again, all the stupid bastard morons in Washington D.C. are trying to screw immigrants here illegally. The bill they are debating right now would make it a felony to be an illegal immigrant. Quick question: If these immigrats are deported, who the hell is going to work the fields, orchards, and vinyards? You can bet your sweet ass that most native-born people aren't going to do it, we're too pampered (mostly). Yes, they are taking away jobs from citizens, but the jobs they take are ones that most citizens wouldn't ever do on purpose. I, however, have worked as an orchard worker, and I can say from personal experience that most native-born people would not be able to handle that workload for great pay, much less for the chump change that illegal aliens are willing to do it for. And furthermore, anyone east of the Mississippi should shut the fuck up when it comes to illegal immigrants, specifically people from the New England region, on account of that whole area tends to piss me off. The only people who should have a say in the matter should be those in the westernmost states, where the economy is most reliant on cheap labor from south of the border. That's right, accept the fact that most of the people in question are...dum dum dum...Latino!!! I was watching the news this morning, and one of the politicians going on tv in support of this bill was a senator from New Jersey. NEW JERSEY! Fuck those greasy bastards! How much of their economy relies on immigrant labor? None! On the northeast coast, illegal aliens are a luxury item, serving as houekeepers and such, but here on the west coast, they are absolutely essential to our economy, and our survival. People who don't need the help these aliens are willing to give should not have a say in what happens to them. And lastly: Thank God for John McCain. As always, he is bastion of reason in a great boiling sea of flagrant flaming asshattery. Allah hoo'mah ah'nah. (may God be with us)

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

Como se dice...peckerhead?

2006-03-23T17:26:00.000-08:00

Talked to Dirty Viking this week. Seems he plans on buying the same kind of rifle I got. And I say more power to him; surplus rifles are a real bargain. For an almost ridiculously low price, you can acquire a weapon built to military specifications, which means it is durable, accurate, and easy to maintain. An excellent vessel through which you can properly enjoy your second amendment rights. As a point of fact, I think anyone who is interested in buying a gun should start out buying a surplus rifle. Well, that's my thought for the week.

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

Aaaaaand there it is.

2006-03-16T12:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't have much to piss and moan about this week. Well, I do, but I just don't f*%$ing feel like it. That said, keep on being homley, everybody.

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

Huzzah!

2006-03-09T17:35:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official: I am an armed citizen! Just picked up my rifle a couple of days ago, and I've been prepping it ever since(surplus rifles require a decent amout of cleaning before they can be fired). Soon enough, I will have mounds of ammunition for it, and the squirrels will once again face the wrath of the CRAZY BASTARD! God, I love excercising my constitutional rights.

Ah Salaam aleah coom, Bitches!

Aw, Hell!

2006-02-23T17:47:00.000-08:00

They did it! They actually did it! Just when I thought the California government couldn't do anything more stupid, they go and outdo themselves. The State senate is considering suspending the death penalty until 2009, so that they can determine a "less painful" way to execute prisoners. Call me crazy, but this is just assinine. The way I see it, once we've made the decision to execute someone, we have pretty much decided that the personal feelings of the condemned don't matter. As a point of fact, as long as we don't torture them, any kind of execution can be fairly just, as well as effective. I mean, a firing squad works rather well, but a shot to the head kills instantly. Hell, the guy would be dead before his body registered the impact of the bullet! But alas, my opinion will be ignored, even deemed barbaric by some. It's funny; Liberal groups claim to be open-minded, but just mention the death penalty and see how accepting they are of other people's views. I don't know what else to say. Feces occurs, existence contiues.

Ah Salaam Aleah Coom, Bitches!

People who shall be mentioned at one point or another

2006-02-15T13:55:00.000-08:00

MEN:
Frostbyte
Poquito Rojo
Flaco Mexicano
Berman
Dirty Viking

WOMEN:
Chiquitita
Rack
Quirkiness
Hot Lips

Things I've had in my nose:

2006-02-09T17:52:00.001-08:00

A Finger (mine)
A Finger (not mine, kind of complicated)
Styrofoam packing peanuts
Soda
A Bug, but not on purpose
Kleenex
An olive
A class ring- not sure whose
Cat hair
The Former Soviet Republic of Georgia

Tune in next time for: Things to do in a presidential motorcade when you're naked!

All hail the newest leading state of asshattery!

2006-02-09T17:37:00.001-08:00

In Massachusetts, there is a bill in the state legislature that will make spanking your children illegal, along with other forms of discipline, such as pinching and hot-saucing. The fact that this bill ever passed the phase of toking-session rhetoric proves that Massachusetts is, in fact the dumbest state in the Union. Sorry, New Mexico.

Ah Salaam aleah coom, bitches!

Things I want to be when I grow up:

2006-02-09T17:35:00.000-08:00

A Headline
A Warning To Others
A Drain On Society
Synonymous With A New Kind Of Felony
Chinese

Dipshit one, dipshit two, dipshit red, dipshit blue

2006-01-31T17:36:00.000-08:00

My friend and I were talking today about the next presidential election, and I was once again reminded of the lack of choices offered to the American people. On the one hand, there is the possibility of Condoleeza Rice representing the republican party, which I suppose is an interesting thought, having the first black president also be a woman. But altogether, I still feel she would not be an effective leader; like G-Dub, she would most likely surround herself with people who would tell her how to think, and be little more than a puppet. However, I would still take her over Mrs. Clinton any day. As a point of fact, I would rather masturbate with sandpaper than have Hillary as president. That said, I'm going to have to pull out the sandpaper after the next election, because she will most likely be the victor. Not because everyone agrees with her ideas implicitly, so much as they like her better than the opposing side. And that, my friends, is exactly the problem; we are given the choice between A and B, with no other real options. Now granted, there is a wide assortment of alternate parties, but none that are really viable. I have considered voting for a third party candidate, if for no other reason than to at least say I actually did something to change things, as opposed to just pissing and moaning about it. But I have never been able to find one I would actually want to come to power. For example, I took a temporary interest in the Independant American Party, but saw almost instantly the potential problems that might arise in the future. Any group with such hard-core right-wing values would inevitably lead to religious persecution. I considered being a Libertarian, but, I don't support the use of marijuana, so that was a bust(No pun intended.). Of course, I had to check out the American Expansionist Party; yes, they do actually exist. Frankly, I think it would be interesting to annex Canada and Mexico, but not especially practical. So here I am, back at square one, forced to choose between liberal or conservative. I choose conservative, but cannot support it wholeheartedly. Just like millions of other Americans, I am rapidly losing my faith in the democratic process. We must create a viable third party, or the country will always be ruled by the extreme right, or the extreme left. Things have to change.
"Always remember, Hitler was elected in a free democratic election." -George Carlin

Ah salaam aleah coom, bitches!

Additional Bitching

2006-01-28T21:10:00.000-08:00

And when the hell did the SKS become such a point of contention? I mean, it's not the most dangerous freakin' rifle in the world! In its standard form, it comes with a fixed 10-round magazine and only fires on semi-automatic; it's not a f@#%ing assault rifle, and it sure as hell isn't a machine gun. So my question is this: Why be so frightened of a gun that only holds two rounds more than the M1 Garand, which can be bought at any Big 5 sporting goods store? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that the reasoning behind it is rather weak. Screw it.
Ah salaam aleah coom, bitches!

This is Some Bull Shit!

2006-01-28T18:54:00.000-08:00

While doing research for an English paper several months ago, it came to my attention that, once again, being a non- potsmoking liberal in California is almost more trouble than it's worth. In Cali. penal code s. 11460, it says that "Two or more persons may not engage in paramilitary training...". In short, California law has cleverly made it impossible to form a legal militia. You see, the state constitution makes provisions for militias, and to date, the state government has never openly banned militias from forming. And that's the beauty of it. Section 11460 doesn't say that you can't form a militia, it just says that you cannot train wtih another person, much less a group. Basically, a militia can form, but it can never meet for purposes of training. I can almost hear the California legislature telling the Second Amendment to squeal like a pig. All hail the advent of the police state. Patriot Act, my ass.

I'm totally sober!

2006-01-26T17:42:00.000-08:00

I has recently occured to me that I am, in fact, a bad person. Now, bear in mind, I don't actually care, I'm just noting for the record. That said, I believe it is time to lay a little groundwork. For starters, the word asshattery. It is a derivitive of the word asshat, meaning a person who has their head stuck up his or her ass, respectively; in other words, a person wearing their ass as a hat, e.g. an asshat. Asshattery is the term for the activities of said asshat(s). Thereby, Flaming Asshattery is the display of blatant stupidity, with an utter lack of shame or discipline. And that concludes our lesson for the time being.

it's here

2006-01-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

just a test