What to do if you're locked in a washing machine with an angry badger:

1.) Figure out how the hell you got in the washer in the first place
2.) Train the badger to genuflect and sing "Blue Moon of Kentucky"
3.) Wrap your underpants around your hand, and use it to break through the glass*
4.) Go to the nearest liquor store and purchase a bottle of Malibu for the badger and a bottle of
Jagermeister for yourself
5.) Drink all of it
6.) Moon the ambassador of Uzbekistan
7.) Take a nap (trust me, you've earned it.)


*I am of course referring to washers found in a laundromat. If you find yourself locked in a washer with a steel door, then you are, quite literally, screwed.